Baker's Dozen

Mood- Overcome

Ruminate in this,
Two shits is what I could give,
Time is what I need.

Mood- Powerful

Ultimate texter,
The Kick has appointed me,
My life is complete.

Mood- Accomplished

We won the damn war,
Because you’re beat and worn out,
Kiss our fucking heart.

Mood- Ecstatic

I’m over you tool,
Take a hint or two faggot,
You’re yesterday’s news.

Mood- Instructional

The Unit you’re called,
Do not lead the poor girls on,
A show-er you’re not.

Mood- Attractive

The hottest intern,
Is my role at Headquarters,
Productive? I’m not.

Mood- Proud

I lather and rinse,
Massage with soft touch and style,
These hands are golden.

Mood- Envy

Jealousy I feel,
Love does not strike me often,
Thrice a week for you.

Mood- Humored

Seventy percent?
Certainly impossible,
Vert is not your friend.

Mood- Pathetic

Rockstars you are called?
Fashionable you may think,
Your prime time has past.

Mood- Developed

Let’s all be adults,
All the rubbers were brought forth,
Is he too mature?

Mood- Awkward

I want you up here,
Why are you mistaken dear?
I thought I was clear.

Mood- Forgetful

Hammered like always,
You tend to forget the size,
Your cooter reminds.

In Heart We Trust <3.

I See London, I See France...

Mood –

Liberated

Haiku (5-7-5)–

Sans panties, I’m free,
A new woman I’ve become,
Come meet the new me.

Vocabulary Word of the Day –

Superfluous (adjective): unnecessary; un-called for; wasteful.

Example: Gunnar soon realized the condoms he bought at Walgreen’s were superfluous because Lark was unable to turn him on.

Prologue –

We feel it is necessary to state how inappropriate the word “panties” is. However, for the purpose of this blog, we have decided that the usage of panties is absolutely appropriate.

Inappropriate Occasions to Rock Panties:

1. Gym – The gym is the absolute last place in the world you should be wearing panties. There is only one thing that can come from wearing panties to the gym, and that is pain! While vigorously exercising, the friction created from your panties is absolutely unbearable. Not to mention, the extra perspiration that will be generated as a result of your panty wearing ways.

2. Bed – Do you wear a bra to bed? It’s doubtful that you do. The same idea goes for panties, except their absence is much more important. If you’re going to allow your breasts to roam free in your slumber, than do the same for your cooter. After all, your cooter does much more for you than your breasts will ever do. The one exception to this rule is if you are ONLY wearing panties to bed. Make no mistake about it, panties and pajamas are as wrong as wearing your collar up.

3. Gaucho Pants – C’mon ladies, these are tight and they show everything! They cling to every inch of your body. Wearing panties with these would be superfluous. Allow your body to become one with the gaucho pants.

4. Intercourse – It hardly seems as if an explanation is warranted for this occasion. Wearing panties during sex will do nothing but put a damper on your sexual experience. Full contact, sans panties, allows for each person to reach his or her full potential. However, this rule becomes obsolete when railing in a discrete location or when you’re having a quickie. Discrete locations include the car and semi public to public areas such as the beach or a park. In situations such as these the “pull to the side” technique is highly recommended. This will allow for a quick clean up and easy exit.

5. Medium to Long Skirts – This has to be one of the most liberating experiences any woman can encounter. The cool breeze flowing up your skirt will make you feel like a natural woman. Let your senses reach a new level of awareness, they’ll run wild.

6. White Pants – They’re see through! It doesn’t matter what color of your panty rainbow you pick from, they will be visible through your white pants. As you continue to read, you will notice that we allow panties to be worn if you are on your period. However, just because you are on your period, that hardly makes it appropriate to wear panties with your white pants. You shouldn’t be wearing white pants while you are on your period anyways slapdick!

7. Short Outings – The logic here is simple. When you’re going to the grocery store do you bring your laptop? No. When you’re going to the beach do you bring your snowboard? I didn’t think so. Why? Because these items would be superfluous at those locations. You do not bring something somewhere you have no use for. So why would you put panties on when you’re just going out to run a few errands? You wouldn’t, they’re simply extra baggage.

Appropriate Occasions to Rock Panties:

1. Going Out – This is the most important occasion on which a woman should wear her panties. The reasons for wearing panties when going out at night or when going somewhere a sexual encounter is imminent, seem self explanatory. First of all, panties are paramount because there must be something between you and your cooter to prevent your partner from premature insertion. This way when he takes the initiative to remove your panties you are therefore presented with the perfect opportunity to make sure protection is used. It is also nice to have something comfortable to wear while you engage in foreplay; panties are preferable to jeans while giving dome. Last but not least, panties are fundamental because they provide you with a slight cover up when using the ladies room after sex. Boy shorts are highly recommended, but to each her own.
Warning…Panties do not prevent against pregnancy or the spread of sexually transmitted diseases.

2. Jeans – Wearing denim without panties is like using sandpaper if you run out of toilet paper, you do not do it. Enough said.

3. Period – Let’s face it, accidents happen. They happen to the best of us. Don’t think you’re alone. As a result of this injustice being forced upon the women of the world, we will permit panty wearing to take place for one week every month.

4. Road Trips – While sitting in a car for an extended period of time, panty wearing is a must. Imagine, cruising down a long stretch of highway for a number of hours when you reach the gas station. It’s bathroom break time. Picture that instant when you lift your hiney from the car seat. Did you remember to put your panties on today? Because if you didn’t, in that quick moment the warmth you feel is not pleasure, it’s uneasiness. Panties are most certainly not superfluous.

5. Church – God knows everything. Please do not disrespect the big man upstairs by flashing your goods all around. However, this is a tricky situation to deal with because gaucho pants, mid to full length skirts, and white pants must ultimately be excluded from appropriate church wardrobe.

6. Long Days – This goes hand in hand with road trips. If you’re not going to be home for a substantial period of time, just put some damn panties on.

The ball is in your court. You can choose to follow our rules or not. Use your own judgment on whether an occasion warrants panty wearing. It’s all up to you from here, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make her drink. Panty free is the way to be.

Quote of the Day –

“We cannot attribute to fortune or virtue that which is achieved without either.” – Niccolo Machiavelli

In Heart We Trust <3.

Tom, Dick & Harry

Mood –

Narrow Minded

Haiku (5-7-5)–

Sure-sure-sure-sure-sure,
Please stop the broken the record,
I heard the first time.

Vocabulary Word of the Day –

Pseudo (adjective): false or counterfeit; fake.

Example – Emily used the pseudonym Rhiannon when she wrote her sex novel titled, Cold Nights, Hot Conversations.

Do not kid yourself; we’re all victims of it. You know what we are talking about. We are referring to substitute names. What is a substitute name you ask? Well it’s easy to explain by example. Let’s say Patria saw Erika, whom she did not know, strolling down the beach and then turned politely to her girl friends and exclaimed “hey, look at that Sally!” Patria’s company just witnessed her naively assigning Erika a pseudonym based solely on her race. But what you did not see happen was Erika whisper in her acquaintance’s ear, “fuckin’ Maria is over there starring at me.” Erika referenced Patria’s olive complextion in order to select the appropriate substitute name.

Taken at face value, this may appear to be a barbaric way of communicating with one another. However, it actually does quite the opposite. It aids in the flow of conversation. Let’s say these substitute names had not been used in the prior conversation. The previous dialogue would have been carried out much, much differently. This is what we imagine it would have sounded like. Patria spots Erika cruising down the shoreline. In order to point out Erika to her friends she must say something to the nature of, “Hey, look at that tall, fair skinned girl with blonde hair and blue eyes over there!” At the same time Erika is remarking to her companion, “that petite girl with dark brown hair and eyes seems to be starring at me.” All in all, this is a much more tedious way of having the exact same conversation. Substitute names allow you to save your breath for something more important and worthwhile.

Let’s say you went out on a Friday night with your girl friends to a predominantly African American night club. The next day while calling your best friend, Olivia, in Croatia you attempt to reenact your night for her. When you get to the part of the story about an unnamed male purchasing you a beverage it is much easier to refer to him as Tyrone White. Instead of the alternative which could possibly be some tall man sporting corn rows, two gold front teeth, and a Sean John denim jacket. How much effort would it take to have to refer to him as the tall man sporting corn rows, two gold front teeth, and a Sean John denim jacket every time he appeared in the story you were recounting for Olivia? This would be especially harsh on someone who does not have international calling on their Sprint PCS Plan.

Bethany and Joanne sit in church on a Sunday morning. Bethany was passing a hymnal to Joanne when she spotted Bethany’s well manicured hands. Keep in mind the girls are in church, Joanne has to choose her words wisely and Bethany’s response must be kept to a minimum. Joanne subtly inquires to Bethany about who created the masterpiece that rest upon her fingernails. It’s impossible for Bethany to respond with “oh, the tiny Asian lady who has silky dark hair and wears a mask upon her face.” It is much simpler and more inconspicuous to respond with “3rd Kim from the left.” Remember, this is a crucial part of the conversation because they must remain discrete as to not disturb the pastor’s sermon.

The purpose of pseudonyms is not only to save your breath for conversations to come, but to prevent mindless babble. Do not take offense, but rather join us in our crusade of saving time and money. The replacement of descriptive conversations with substitute names will ensure that your anytime minutes will no longer be wasted on explaining why the short, balding, middle eastern gentleman with probing eyes took so long to ring up your lotto tickets. From now on when your boyfriend asks what took so long at 7/11 just respond with, “sorry Habibi was having a rough day.”

Your Friends….Sally & Maria

Quote of the Day –

“All’s fair in love and war.” – William Shakespeare

In Heart We Trust <3.

Help Us, Help You

Mood –

Shady

Haikus (5-7-5)–

Do not call me boo,
Great offense is what I take,
I prefer hottie.

Blinking images,
Hinder my ebullience,
Trash toxxic.net.

Vocabulary Word of the Day –

Boo (verb): show displeasure, as after a performance or speech.

Example – After Merrick gave a hideous performance, the crowd booed him off of the stage.

Hey you...We have a name, we're not blind, and don't thank us.

We cannot for the life of us understand why guys, or girls for the matter, feel the need to call one another generic pet names. The only rational reason for this is involvement in shady behavior. So when a guy calls you by one of these names, it's not because he's sweet or cute. Think about it douche, there are only two explanations. He either forgot your name, or he's dating too many girls at once and calls them all pet names in order to prevent confusion. It's as if he's reciting from a script that reads, Hey insert generic name here, what are your plans for tonight? Or insert generic name here, you look hot tonight. In regards to that last statement, even if a generic name was not used, saying "you look hot tonight" is lame in itself. We all play games with the opposite sex. You are basically calling yourself out when using one of these names. Let's all do one another a favor and eliminate these malicious words from our vocabulary. Trust us, your success in the dating world will increase exponentially.

For those of you who do not know what a generic pet name is, or may be unaware that you are currently using one, we have provided some examples.

Generic names include: hottie, cutie, boo (How is it that a word used to scare someone can double as a pet name? Boo should be reserved strictly for Halloween.), sugar, baby, hun, sweet stuff, babe, love muffin, sexy, gorgeous, sweetie, beautiful, love, etc.

In case you were wondering, we can see. Our eyes function properly, they've actually treated us very well throughout the years. So we don't need you to post comments that are blatantly obvious or an attempt at grabbing our attention. On a side note, we know our zodiac signs, which are clearly stated on our pages. We know we were born on April 23rd and December 23rd. This clearly makes us a Taurus and a Capricorn, trust us we haven't forgotten, but thanks for the reminder.

For those of you who do not know what type of comments we are referring to, or are unaware that you have been posting these obnoxious comments, we have provided some examples.

Obnoxious comments include: blinking, moving, glittered, sparkly, fluorescent, bubbly, fruity, beaming, illuminating, dazzling, glowing, etc. images.

We added you, we obviously know this because myspace told us so when we clicked approve! We know you're thankful, we would be too. However, please don't thank us, or we will delete you and your lame comment. We appreciate the fact that you're grateful, but we believe you are unaware of what your useless comment is doing to our pages. It's just moving good comments off of the page to make room for your insufficient comment. If you don't have anything better to say, then don't say anything at all.

For those of you who are still unaware of the type of comments that really make our skin crawl, twist our tits, rub us the wrong way, and get our juices flowing, we have provided the following examples.

Skin Crawling Comment # 1:

Hey Boo, what's crackin'? I'm gonna be downtown Saturday, so hit me up if you wanna chill.

Catch ya later Hottie.

Tit Twisting Comment # 2:











Rubbing Us The Wrong Way Comment # 3:

Hey Mary! Remember me? Thanks for the add, comment back!

Get Our Juices Flowing Comment # 4:

Note - This is the ultimate myspace no-no.

Hey Sexy. You look hot in your pics.

Thanks for the add Baby. Call me up sometime Gorgeous.

If you have left, or are thinking of leaving one of these comments to a fellow myspacer, delete or think again. Everyone's heart will grow for one another if we can just work together and put an end to this plague before we get in too deep.

Thank You & Happy Commenting.

Quote of the Day –

“Under the tyranny of erotic love he has permanently become while awake what he used to become occasionally while asleep.” – Plato

In Heart We Trust <3.